Monday, April 11, 2011
It has been a while since I quit my journey and have blogged and been able to freely express myself. What have I been doing? Wollering in self pity and being completely miserable. I let life's circumstances weigh me down so heavy that I felt like I just "couldn't do it anymore. I had so much "crap" going on that all I could focus on was the bad, negative things and it left me in bad, negative moods. Fawn warned me in the beginning that the journey would be hard, but I never knew really how it would take a toll on me mentally, physically, and emotionally. She was right when she said that quitting wouldn't change my circumstances, but it would only make them worse. I was getting to where I would have panic attacks and towards the end I was cheating and not exercising and I lied to her about it. Not because I was scared of her judging me, because she is not like that, but scared of who she would really think I was as a person. Scared that the relationship that I had built with her would collapse and I would feel like such a loser, again. SO that's when I began to shut her out. When I get hurt, I do that. Fawn was the best thing that happened to me since I had my children and in wrong thinking and mindset I let months of work, relationship, and tons of time and energy on her part just go. After I quit, everything that I feared before happened. I was depressed and I relapsed into binge eating and self loathing. I hated going out in public, fearing I would run into people who knew I was supposed to be on this journey because they would see me and know that something was up. I started going to this new church and man it started making a big difference in my life. It took a while but I forgave myself for all the bad decisions I had made. So here I am once again ready to get back "on the horse", and give it a go. I have learned that just because life gets hard, doesn't mean I have to quit, it means I have to dig deeper and fight harder. I want to publicly apologize to Fawn for letting her down and quitting on her. It is because of her that I started this journey and now I am getting up, dusting myself off and getting back to where I started. I gained a lot of weight back. I am starting this time at 275 and this time I will not quit and I will let nothing get in my way. Fawn has given me a new hope and inspiration. My fellow bloggers on this journey, I have missed you! It was Fawn sending me a text telling me that she still believed in me and I could do it that gave me the energy to believe I could really do it. Tells you what kind of person she is and the character that she has. I quit on her and she still loves and cares about me and believes in me? I love her and she has a special place in my heart. So with no more hesitation my journey begins again.....NOW!